April's Shower

Thousands of raindrops smash my skin
Shaping me into a melancholic mush
I stare at the sky, how long has it been?
Please stop, I need to rush

As the Artificial Intelligence awaits
I'm waiting for the sky to close its gate
But time is cruel and it won't wait
Here I am again, a man who's always late

So I give up and go back into my room
Turning my laptop back on
Then I compose this sucky poem
Hoping the rain will soon be done

Suddenly it struck me, stupid
Remember that raincoat we bought when I come to pick you up at the bus station on that rainy day?
Finally something that's better than Cupid
Oh fuck this poem is so gay

Not How I Met Your Mother

So kids, this story started 25 years ago, when I had only been living for three months in Australia. As you know, grandpa got a doctorate scholarship in Latrobe University back then, so all of us decided to move there for some financial reasons. I was reluctant to move because it meant I had to leave my SMA girlfriend, Andriyani. Well, we were naive and stupid so we decided to have a long distance relationship anyway.

When we first arrived there, spring had just started, the weather was still freezing for us who was used to live on the tropic, so I spent most of my time heating my body while blogging in my comfortable room. Yeah, blogging, on boleh.com. Boleh.com was a nice online place to hang around. The people were funny and friendly, just about everything a homesick person needed.

One afternoon, it was on December 2005 I think, I got an email from someone named ndie. I don't mean to brag, but she loved my blog and wanted to chat with me. No, I was serious when I said "I don't mean to brag", because after three years or so I read my blog again and I wanted to throw up for its super alayness and cheesiness and fuckedness. Anyway, we exchanged YM ID and we started to chat.

The first chat was hilarious. I couldn't remember the detail but we talked about a lot of things. Funny thing is, I didn't know that the girl I was chatting with was in fact, a girl. Y'know, "ndie", I thought it stands for Andi or something. Only after the end of that chat season I realized that ndie was a girl.

We chatted on and off for about 2 years. Our topics were ranging from religions to the stupidity of dating. I hadn't got any dibs for her at that time, but she seemed like a cool person. Within these period, I broke up with Andri because as any sensible person would agree, LDR just don't work. She was my first love. It really broke my heart coz y'know, first cut is always the deepest. It got me in a rut for months.

Still within these period, I had a new long distance girlfriend (I know, I know, I was stupid, give me a break, I was only 17 at that time, jeez), Rista. She was living in UK at that time. Well, we both felt like we were in the same situation: living in a country where we didn't belong. My mates used to tell me, "dude, move on, there are girls in Oz too" but no, I was still sooo Indonesian back then that the only thing I wanted was to go back to Indonesia and hang out with my Indonesian friends like I used to do in SMAN 2.

Anyway, after only three of four months I decided to break up with Rista, because I was such a douche.

After that I actually enjoyed living in Australia. The rest is history.

Back to Ndie. We kinda stopped chatting because for some reason my internet connection at home was cut down. But we texted sometimes.


On April 2007, I finally went home to our beloved country. So many things had changed. My neighborhoods had changed a lot. Geger Kalong Girang became so crowded. Daarut Tauhid was bigger than ever. And why the hell am I talking about my neighborhoods? Where was I? Oh, Indri and I were going to meet for the first time.

We met at the third floor of Gramedia. I was wearing a sweat pant, green t-shirt, hat, and sandals. I don't know why I wear THOSE. Seriously, it was weird. Maybe I just wanted to show her that I was indifferent about fashion and I don't care about other people's opinions.

She, on the other hand, put a lot of effort. I don't remember the detail (hey, I'm a man, I'm not supposed to remember details) but she looked pretty in that long dress/i don't know what's the name of that piece of clothing. Seriously, she looked muslimah-ish and stylish at the same time, and great one at that, too. That's one of the things I like about ndie, kids, she always know how to dress well, so well that it never failed to eclipse any other girls around her.

Anyway, we ate on AW (curly fries!) and watched Kala (a great film by the way, kids, if it wasn't for Joko Anwar, I wouldn't be a film director right now). Then bla bla, we went to SMAN 2 sitting under the canopy of the biggest rubber tree (?) on Bandung, like two innocent teenagers that had just been introduced to love for the first time.

You see, kids, universe had created plans for us. Or maybe not. But somehow, my SPMB score wasn't high enough to get me into medical science in Unpad, and somehow I refused to take my second course choice, Civil Engineering in ITB. So I decided to go to STT Telkom instead, where, coincidently, or maybe not, ndie was studying. I got a kostan in there and we were dating like the world was ours.

Now that I think about it, it was one of the happiest days of my life.

I'm not going to tell you the details, kids, you will experience them yourself when you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Unfortunately, three and half years later, we had to break up. It was a mutual decision and we thought it would be the best for both of us. It's a hard thing for me to do coz she and I had been through a lot of things. We even planned our marriage, kinda. But yeah, the universe had spoken. Had things ended differently, your name could be Chamomile, and yours, kiddo, would be Nero.

Anyway, a piece of advice, kids, when you're in a relationship, there will be a lot of problems, you might get hurt, or you might hurt your loved one. But no matter what, never ever regret. Because anything, EVERYTHING, that happens to you, good or bad, is the best lesson you will ever get in your life.

And that, kids, is the true story of how I met your aunt Indri.

Unemployed.

I'm gonna give myself a challenge. All these time I've been writing really,, really slowly. It takes me 1-2 hours to write a regular length post (sometimes it even takes up to 4 freaking hours). Now I'm gonna try to write this post in less than 15 minutes, because I'm in the mood of writing but I need to go to uni soon.

Alright because I haven't think about what I'm gonna write, I'm just gonna write stuff that comes to my mind along the way.

So I've got a class on 7, Artificial Intelligence. Funny, this subject. It used to be my favourite subject before I go to university (I'd always dreamed about learning how to make robots who can joke about your mom). But when I'm actually taking it, it seems duller than what I'd thought before. Well, imagination is always more colorful than reality.

At 9 I'll go to Politeknik Telkom to talk about the possibility of Kerja Praktek (internship? Im not sure if it's the correct English word for it). I really want to do it in another city, like, Jogja. But one of my mates prefer to do it in Bandung so, well, bro code #1b: Bro Before Self. We'll just see if we can get it here in Poltek, I hope we won't get it tho, I really want to go to Jogja.

I'm really looking forward to this internship thingy. Not that I really like working for someone. Really. Working is boring. I worked after I finished high school and before I started university. First, at a pastry factory for a month, and then in a hotel for another three months as a bellboy, and honestly, I don't think I can be in one job for more than 3 months. A thought always come to my mind in one of those boring days: "fuck it, let's just quit and find another job." I hope I can change this in my future life. I should stop getting bored and get a job A.S.A.P, or I better think of really good idea for a business, or else I'm just gonna commit suicide.

But it was MUCH better than sitting inside a classroom though. And the money was good. I got $11 an hour in that pastry factory, and $13 an hour to bring tourists' luggages. For about 6-8 hours a day. I don't know if I can get that much money working as a programmer here in Indonesia. But still, I'd prefer to be a slave right now than being an unemployed university student.

Anyway, yeah, I'm looking forward to this internship thingy, just for the fuck of it.

Ah, 6 am. Let's go to get some education.

I'm nowhere.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm not an ababil. But I don't like to be on one side either. I know, I know, every debater in the world will say you must take a stance to everything or else you're gay. But I totally disagree with that.

The thing is, I don't see this world as black and white. Many people think if something's not black, then it must be white. Moreover, many people don't even realize that they're seeing the world as black and white.

Let's take an example. Erm,, I suck at thinking about examples so let's just take a random thing that comes into my mind aaaaaannnnd GOD. Let's take God for example. Most people on earth believe that God exists. And most genius scientists believe that there's no such thing called God. The atheists say the believers are stupid because they believe in something that cannot be proven true. The believers, in turn, argue that the atheists are idiots because they DON'T believe in something that cannot be proven FALSE. Both sides stand firmly with their own belief, so firm that cyber wars between believers and atheists are still going on right now.

Me? For me, something that cannot be proven true nor false is not something that we should be worry about. Sure, the existence of God (or not) is very important to.. wait, how is that important? No it's not. Our mind as human beings are very limited at the moment. So why be arrogant and say god exists (or doesn't) if you cannot prove it? I'll just be humble and say "I don't know".

Okay, this is heavy. Let's talk about something less godly. What's less godly than god, how about......marriage. Right. In case you don't know, there's been an increasing number of people who oppose marriage lately. They argue that marriage is stupid. It's like walking in to a prison. Life is an adventure, don't limit yourself with an old age tradition called marriage. And the sex. Let's be honest, copulating--wait, let's keep it simple--fucking with the same person for 20 years, is pretty boring. And I agree with them, well, most of them. I do think every relationship has an expiration date.

But then, what the fuck would you do in your life if you don't get married? Sure, traveling around the world with only your backpack could be fun, but what would you do when you get home? Come into your house, walk into your room, take a bath, and sleep on your bed, alone, for the rest of your life?

And how about when you get old? Would you live alone in a little house on a mountain of far far away until you die sitting on your rocking chair? No. I feel much better when there's someone waiting for me at home. So that I can hug someone I love while I'm sleeping, instead of a bantal guling. And I wanna die while hugging someone. Oh how I love hugging. And what about sex? Well, swinger clubs, baby. Seriously, if I can find a girl with a matching personality, I'm sure I can make it beyond the expiration date. We'll go around the world together, raising up children together, having sex with other couples together, and be adventurous together. Sounds too ideal? It is. Because...

The type of girls that I like don't exist. Or maybe they do, I just haven't met any. Problem is, I like independent-yet-submissive-intelligent-fun-loyal-knows-how-to-dress-fashionably-in-public-loves-to-talk-yet-a-good-listener-kinky-yet-not-a-bitch kind of girls. I know what you're thinking. But I'm betting all my love life that out of 3 billion girls in the world, some will fit my preferences.

Let's back to the topic. Another example is music. Many normal people out there like to listen to mainstream music. Peterpan, D'Bagindas, D'Masiv, ST12, Maroon Five, you name it. The "cool" people will say those normal people as "shallow". These "cool" people like to listen to music not too many people know exist, like, Sigur Ros, Efek Rumah Kaca, 65 Days of Static, Mars Volta, etc.

I'm also picky at choosing music I listen to. But I don't choose them based on their mainstream-ness level. I like some and I hate some and that's all. I don't care if it's a trash metal or rap or pretentious-pop-rock or whiney love song, if I like it, I like it. That's why my playlist is filled with various artists from Rage Against The Machine to Kangen Band.

picture unrelated

Another simpler example is smoking. I don't know how many times I told smoke-haters out there that smoking is awesome. It's a great stress reliever. No, it's not just a placebo. It does work. Scientifically proven. And it's a good ice breaker too. Yes it increases the probability of getting some types of cancer, but please note when I say "probability", it means no matter how much you smoke, you don't always get cancer. And if you do? big deal. Most Indonesians (that's us) eat too much carbohydrate anyway, if we don't get cancer, we'll get diabetes.

But I also pity those who give their life to an uncontrollable smoking habit. Not that I care about their personal life, no. It's just that.... why smoke a pack of cigarettes a day man? That's just not cool.

I'm running out of example. And, as always, I suck at writing. There's no structure at all, right? Well guess what, I found another example: I suck at writing, but I love writing.

Oh, and I think I'm bi-curious too.

There you go. How I'm stuck in the middle of almost everything. This is why I don't feel like I belong to anywhere. Oh, not even the middle, because sometimes I take a side too. And I change sides. Still, this is not ababil, this is just my way of life, a way to survive the world, or maybe not, coz once in a while I think about suicide too.

I guess I'm just a believer of nothing, and everything, and things in between.

Yes.

Because every generalization is wrong.

8th of December 2

manusia kecil di kepala saya itu bertanya,
"hey zi, what's up?"
saya pun terdiam membeku bagai batu di pelabuhan ratu.
oh bugger kapan ya saya bisa bikin kalimat yang bagusan dikit.
what is up, indeed.
sekarang adalah tanggal 8 desember,
yang artinya, tepat empat tahun yang lalu,
kalender menunjukkan tanggal yang sama:
tanggal 8 desember.

obviously.

Uzi has sent God a smile

Ya Tuhan.. aku memang kafir.. aku udah ga ngikutin ajaranMu lagi.. aku udah ngelakuin hal2 yang kau larang.. aku udah minum minuman keras.. nonton film bokep.. ga pernah lupa nge-skip solat.. pernah nginjek2 kitab suciMu sampe lecek, etc.

Tapi itu semua cuma usaha aku untuk cari perhatianMu. Itu semua cuma usaha aku supaya aku berubah.. supaya Engkau nunjukin aku jalan tuk kembali. Karena aku pikir Kau bakal kasian kalau ngeliat aku yang dulunya insya Allah punya probabilitas jadi penduduk surga sekarang malah jadi calon kuat pemegang visa permanen neraka.

Tapi kenapa Engkau diam saja? Kenapa Engkau ga negur aku waktu aku meneguk sebotol absolute vodka di tengah malah ketika orang tuaku tidur? Kenapa engkau gak ngebakar aku waktu aku nginjek2 kitabMu? Kenapa kau hanya diam? Apakah engkau satu spesies dengan patung2 yang dihancurkan Ibrahim itu? Enggak! Gak mungkin! Kau pasti cuma pengen ngetes aku. Kau pasti sekarang sedang tersenyum ngeliat aku yang berusaha mati2an mengejarMu. Kau pasti sudah menyiapkan hadiah buatku nanti. Aku tau Engkau maha penyayang. Pemaaf. Pengasih. Aku tau Engkau ga kan murka hanya karena ngeliat kelakuanku ini. Aku tau Kau pasti ngehargain usahaku. Walau kata sebagian orang usahaku aneh. Aku yakin Engkau bisa melihat usahaku dari sudut pandang lain.

Kata mereka, harusnya aku solat tiap hari, ngaji tiap hari, berdoa tiap hari. Kata mereka aku harus ngelakuin hal2 itu dulu, baru Engkau mau ngedengerin keluhanku. Huh. Mereka meremehkanMu, ya ngga Tuhan? Sotoy banget siy mereka. Aku yakin engkau ga serendah itu. Apalah arti sebuah pujian dari makhluk hina kayak aku ini buatMu. Aku tau Engkau gak gila pujian. Aku tau Engkau bisa ngelakuin apa aja yang Kau kehendaki pada semua orang, ga ngaruh apakah orang itu memujiMu atau ngga. Karena Engkau bukan manusia, Engkau mustahil punya sifat egois. Ga perlu aku puji juga Engkau udah Maha Besar kok, beneran!

Maafkan aku kalo aku ga pernah mau ngedenger ceramah dari makhluk2Mu yang lain. Aku bosan mendengar omongan mereka. Aku hanya ingin mendengar suaraMu. Aku ingin Engkaulah yang membawaku kembali.

Tapi... kalau memang seandainya kau marah sama aku (walau aku yakin Engkau ga mungkin marah sama aku), ya mau gimana lagi.. aku emang kayak gini. Engkau yang menciptakan otakku. Engkau yang mengendalikan semuanya. Lagian kalau aku emang akan masuk neraka berarti dari sebelum aku lahir aku emang udah ditakdirkan masuk nereka kan. Yasud kalo begitu. Aku terima takdirMu. Tapi khusus untuk minggu ini, aku mohon bantuanMu.. Ya? Ya? setidaknya untuk minggu ini aja! please... yaaa? Minggu ini aku ada SPMB. Engkau tau kan apa SPMB? pokonya SPMB susah banget. Aku mohon jangan beratkan aku pas ngerjain soal2 SPMB nanti. Ya? Please Tuhan.. Sebelum aku masuk neraka, aku pengen jadi orang yang berguna di hidupku yang sebentar ini. Aku pengen jadi dokter. Supaya nanti bisa nyelametin orang yang sedang sakit. Terus,, aku pengen ngebahagiain orang tua aku. Aku emang salah, tapi orang tua ku sama sekali ga bersalah. Mereka udah berusaha mati2an supaya aku mau jadi pengikutmu, tapi akunya aja emang ndableg. Dan aku bener2 pengen ngliat mereka bahagia ngeliat anaknya yang item manis ini pake baju putih sambil ngalungin stetoskop. Engkau mau kan mengabulkan permintaanku? Tuhan baik deh. Muachh!!!

Btw Kau ngga marah kan karena aku ngomongnya ga pake bahasa yang sopan? Karena setauku 'sopan' itu cuma sebuah standar ciptaan manusia. Aku yakin Engkau Maha Dinamik. Lah kan yang nyiptain manusia2 pencipta standar juga Engkau, Ya kan?

Segitu dulu ya Tuhan. Maaf karena udah ngeganggu Engkau. Untuk yang kesekian kalinya aku mohon ampun ama Engkau. Skali lagi aku juga mohon supaya bisa lulus SPMB. Ya? Ya? Makasih Tuhan. Makasih buat semuanya.

E iya, ngomong2, internet di langit cepet ngga?

Bleed it Out! *crotzzz!!*

I have never stopped believing until my belief betrayed me.

I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.

I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away.

I bleed it out,
Digging deeper just to throw it away,

Just to throw it away,

Just to throw it away.

(Chorusnya Bleed it Out, track ke-4 di album Minutes to Midnight)

So, anyway, Im trapped inside this nice trap. I didn't make this. It feels warm and makes my life lives. Everyday I feel like I want to dig this trap, to make it deeper and deeper, and warmer. But sometimes im worried thinking that someday I will have no choice but to throw it away.. and I know, I know it better than Linkin Park do, it gotta hurt.

But Radiohead always told me to be optimistic. So I believe.

------------

Speaking of belief, I belief that MALAM JUMAT KLIWON is the worst Indonesian Horror Movie I've ever seen. and I believe that it is the best Indonesian Horror Movie I've ever felt.

Anyway, see you guys. I believe that this is my last post for this month, and I believe that i'll be back on July, coz I believe, SPMB is gonna be kinda hard, and I believe that I'll have to study hard.

No More Sorrow

This post contains some insignificant words written by some boy inside a box. They're so useless that under no circumstance should it be read by anyone, including you. However, should some stubborn homo sapiens insist to read the rants below, it's compulsory for him/her to whip his/her back 100 times with a USB cable, no lie please.

Alright, this is got to die. This is got to stop. I read my last posts and wtf? they're full of shits. Not just normal shits, they're like pieces of shit from a person who has just eaten a squid, a giant stinky blackish itchy bitchy squid. Yuck.

Anyway, SPMB is getting closer. There are 3 more try-outs in SSC. Stupid me by wasting more time writting this useless dump. Oh my god--that is, if god exists--I remember I wrote those posts, and I know I'll make more in the future, but I don't know why the fuck I wrote those stuffs.

god, I even found a strange txt file called sickman.txt in my desktop. I think I made it some days ago,, erm.. I don't know. I feel weird just by thinking that I made this. It looks like I know the original song, but I forget what it is (please tell me if you recognise it). The txt contains these text:

-----------------------------------------------
Fuck for Fauzi - Sickman (It's Not Easy)

I can't stand to cry
Im not that whiney
But I'm a sickman
Every part of me

Im more than a trash
Im more than a stone
Im more than some stupid face inside the room
It's not easy to be me

I wish that I could stand
Firmly on my feet
Find a way of life
A bright future i'll never get

it may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even a sick person has the right to wish
I may be disturbe, But I still have conscience
Even a sick person has the right to dream

It's not easy to be me.

Go, Go, and away.. away from me..
I hope it's alright, I hope Sorrow wont come tonight.

I'm not crazy.. No I am not..

I can't stand to cry
Im not that whiney
Boys weren't meant to have
Flows of tears between their face

I am only a boy in a silly singlet
Digging for messages from the heaven above
I am only a boy in a silly singlet
Finding for the truth about The Creator
Who created me
Who created me
Who created me
Who created me

Im only a boy in a funny singlet
Im only a boy looking for a dream
Im only a boy in a funny singlet
It's not easy...
It's not easy...
To be.. me.
-----------------------------------------------

Hahaha. That is ridiculous. But everything about this blog IS ridiculous. I remember when I decided to make this blog so that I could write some useful stuff for people, or, at least, for my writing practice. But pity me for being as unreliable as Leonardo Da Vinci but not being as creative as him. This blog is a scumbag now, literally, scum (sampah) bag (tempat)) :p It's because.... I don't know. My mood always migrate to the wrong pole when Im alone and wandering. And I hate it more than I despise R&B.

By the way, my friend's dad had just died yesterday. It was diabetes. Just like my grandma who died two months ago. LUCKY THEM for leaving this deceased world so soon, I hope they're happy on the other side. ("Have a positif thinking!", wasn't it what th always s?).

Morals of the post:

1. Life isn't naturaly easy. It's not easy to be who we are (is it?)
2. Being depressive sucks ass. (I know, i know, I'll try to be maniac instead! No? I'll try to be none of them then.)
3. Do NOT consume too much sugar; do NOT be fat; do NOT be depressive; and do NOT have a menopause (as if you have a choice), they all can cause diabetes.
4. Diabetes kills.
5. Are you reading this post? Goddamnit I wrote it clearly that you may not read this post, CAN'T YOU READ!? Now go take a USB cable..

Phew..

Phew.. at last... it's finished. Been online for the last few days. Got something to do that cannot be done without sending bits and bytes through the net. And it couldn't wait.

Phew... haven't been praying for the last few days.

Phew... Someone told me Im going to hell.

Phew... Im scared. The Merciful God is gonna burn me in eternity.

Phew... I just wanna live like I used to be.

Phew... I wanna be a little kid again.

Phew... Please, fuck the truth. Just let me pray again. Just let me cry again in front of you, whoever thou art. It felt great.

Phew.. Im screaming in vain. I guess there's no going back. You won't take back what You've thrown away, will You?

Phew... this is the hundredth time im holding my portable knife this way.

Phew... Someone please call the ambulance... there's gonna be an accident...

Phew... No.. never. You're not worth it. I don't need to do this, you fucking Great Ass.

Phew... Nevermind.

Phew... masuk SSC dulu ah..

Out of the Circle

I was sitting beside my bed last night, reading a book about Force, Electricity, Magnet, and some other shits (God knows it's a physics book). The computer in front of me was playing about 6000 songs randomly. Then all of the sudden I was like.. "am I gonna be always with the same 2 digits--0 and 1--until the rest of my life?" Can there be some other digits that can make this life at least less boring? My computer seemed to hear my question, then a song that i just got from an internet cafe earlier that day was played, chosen by the randomizer code embedded in my music player software. It was "Unpad" by "The Panas Dalam".

"Mahasiswa kedokteran... UNPAD!!!! UNPAD!!!! UNPAD!!!! UNPAD!!!",  The Panas Dalam - Unpad

Don't you think it will be so much more fun to take care of sick people than typing qwertyuiop on a blank screen again and again?

Again, my mind stance's shaken up so easily.

But then it's my future, not anyone else's. I decide, not anyone else.

Maybe i must do an Istikhoroh Prayer. But to whom should I pray if I haven't got anyOne to be prayed to? ahh... it seems that i have to decide this by myself, and a bit help from my family of course, they're much better than The Unseen, i think.

If I got this, it means I have to move to East Bandung, separated from my family, which I have always wanted for long. Not that I hate them, I am just bored of being part of the circle. I want to move out.

---

Speaking of circle, once again Im trapped in some kind of circle. A circle that's been beaten by me once, but comes back with its new strength. I like running inside this circle as much as I hate it. It's like watching a beautiful multicolored fire while holding it with both hands. I don't wanna run out of this circle self handedly like i did last year coz I now realize it was so stupid and selfish. But then this circle always makes me stupid and out of control.

"This firrreeee is out of control, Im gonna burn this city... burn this city...", Franz Ferdinand - This Fire

Man.. this sucks-_- The last time I was being so logical, I became an arrogant bastard. But when I cease my logic, I can't help but started to cry for some obscure reason. And by god, I felt like a perfect pussy. Can somebody tell me how to be JUST right?

Meooowwww,,,,,,,,,,, i feel like having a miniature of bipolar disorder....

NEVERMIND...

"i like you im not gonna crack. i miss you im not gonna crack. i love you im not gonna crack. i kill you im not gonna crack.", Nirvana - Lithium

Kembali ke SPMB.

Buatkan Taman-Taman di Bandung!

Susah kalo cuma cinta ama seorang manusia mah euy. Ribed. Gw pengen cinta ama satu kota aja ah.

Banyak memori yang tersimpan dalam otak gw yang terbentuk di kota kelahiran gw ini. Anehnya, memori-memori itu seakan-akan hanya sebuah fantasi gw aja. Kayaknya memori-memori yg gw inget tentang kota ini udah beda jauh dengan kenyataan yang ada sekarang ini. Seinget gw, kota Bandung jaman dulu tuh: sejuk, bersih, hijau, berbunga (setidaknya di sekitar TK gw dulu), ga becek, ga macet di jalan setiabudi klo malam sabtu dan minggu cuma gara-gara orang-orang brengsek kelebihan duit dari Jakarta yang ga ada kerjaan karna maksa menghabiskan liburan weekend yang hanya dua hari jauh-jauh di villa mereka di Lembang, dan yang pasti jaman dulu Bandung bukanlah merupakan tong sampah raksasa seperti sekarang ini.

Ah biarlah. Biarlah sekarang ancur, ntar diperbaiki satu-satu. Kan ga bagus juga kalo kayak hutan terus, kalo hijau terus, kalau “lempeng” (lurus) terus. Kadang masalah bakal bikin sesuatu jadi lebih baik (asal masalahnya bisa terselesaikan…). Melbourne aja ga banyak hutan tapi udaranya bisa bersih banget, jauh lebih bersih kalo dibandingin dengan kota Bandung (di Bandung jerawat gw udah kayak kumpulan bakteri yang suka coli rame-rame: berkembang biak secara vegetatif in the speed of sound. Dan lagi setiap gw bersihin muka pake Oval Maskulin kotoran debu yang keangkat banyak banget, padahal di Melbourne sama sekali ga perlu pake pembersih muka juga muka udah bersih dari debu dan kotoran. Pokonya di Bandung muka gw yang emang udah ancur jadi nambah ga berbentuk deh). Adakah cara merubah muka gw supaya jadi berbentuk lagi? Kayaknya ga ada deh. Adakah cara merubah kota Bandung jadi seperti kota Melbourne? Ada lah..

Rahasianya mungkin simpel aja: di Melbourne terdapat banyak banget taman. Bukan taman sejenis TMII yang pembangunannya butuh dana triliyunan rupiah (tapi bagus juga sih kalo dibangun TMII di setiap kecamatan di kota Bandung), bukan pula Taman Lalu Lintas “Ade Irma” yang punya kereta-keretaan tua dan komedi putar yang malah bakalan bikin polusi; tapi taman-taman mungil, indah, simpel, yang beralaskan rumput. Rahasianya ternyata cuma TAMAN RUMPUT for god sake. Di Melbourne, setiap suburb (hampir sama dengan kecamatan lah) punya dua atau tiga taman rumput. Ukuran tiap taman beragam dari mulai berhektar-hektar sampai cuma segede lapangan footy (American football). Ga usah gede-gede banget. Kebanyakan dari taman-taman tersebut punya tempat buat mainan anak-anak (perosotan, etc) dan ada juga yang punya slope (lengkungan yang kaya hurup U) buat mainan sepeda, skate, atau sepatu roda. Mungkin itu salah satu bumbu rahasia kota Melbourne supaya udaranya tetep seger walaupun banyak terdapat mobil-mobil ga penting kayak Lamborghini dan RX8 (atau 9, atau 10, atau 11, meneketehe lah) yang melakukan kegiatan-kegiatan yang juga ga penting seperti ngebuat gambar donat di jalan raya yang bukannya menimbulkan bau donat hangat sedap melainkan bau busuk karet terbakar. Ah… Melbourne…Melbourne. Tapi intinya bukan tentang mobil balap itu. Intinya, Bandung ama Melbourne sama-sama bikin polusi tapi Melbourne berhasil mempertahankan kesegaran udaranya sehingga manUsiA-maNuSIA YaNG TINGGAL DI DALAMNYA GA PERLU PAKE OVAL ATAU O’REAL ATAU ORIFLAME ATAU WHATEVER CAMPURAN ZAT KIMIA LAINNYA YANG JUSTRU SEBETULNYA BAKAL BIKIN MUKA TAMBAH RUSAK!!! Hah.. hah...

So, buat temen-temen yang sedang belajar di teknik lingkungan maupun teknik sipil baik yang di ITB walaupun di universitas-universitas lainnya, gw mohon, gw mohon ke elo-elo nih sambil ngeluarin air mata karna kebetulan saat ini gw ngetik sambil nonton video orang korea yang gw dapet dari warnet (bukan, bukan film 1 Litre of Tears, lagian emangnya film ini dari korea gitu?), ini video orang korea yang disembeleh di Iraq tea. Kasian pas mau disembelehnya dia nangis2 minta dibebasin karna konon dia udah punya anak dan istri, sedangkan orang2 soleh di sekitarnya yang sedang bawa golok malah berteriak mengagung2kan nama si Dia sambil ngiris leher si orang korea tersebut. It was so damn horrible. Killing in the name of… whatever. You can’t kill anyone for any reason EXCEPT:

1. For your safety (terpaksa)
2. For Fun.

Yang nomer 2, well, if you do it then you must be a psychopath. Orang yang psikopat kan termasuk ke dalam kategori orang gila, yang ngga tau mana yang baik dan mana yang buruk. So I think it’s OK to kill for fun if you ARE a psychopath. Daripada orang sok suci yang ngebunuh dengan alesan goblok yang ga jelas dan sangat berperikemanusiapurbaan.

ANJRIT gw nyasar lagi temanya. Tadi kan gw sedang memohon. Gw ulangi lagi deh. Gw mohon pada teman-teman yang sekarang sedang belajar di teknik sipil dan teknik lingkungan, PLEASE, suatu hari nanti, kalau pejabat-pejabat senior tua yang sekarang sedang menjabat di kursi pemerintahan kota Bandung udah pada mati dan korupsi pun udah turut mati, kalau kalian udah pada jadi pejabat muda yang menggantikan pejabat-pejabat tua yang udah pada mati tersebut, PLEASE pikirkan (dan realisasikan tentunya) untuk ngebuat taman-taman rumput di setiap pelosok kota Bandung (dan kalo udah jadi taman-tamannya please diurus). Please! Satu taman perkecamatan aja udah cukup.

TAMAN-TAMAN RUMPUT KAYAK GITU ENAK TAU! Bisa dipake pacaran, baca buku sambil tidur-tiduran, tidur-tiduran sambil memandang langit, pacaran sambil tidur-tiduran, tidur beneran, bermalas-malasan, latihan jurus baru, latihan meningkatkan cakra, latihan tenaga dalam, metafisik, main sepeda, main skate, sepatu roda, BBQ, lari-lari, main bola, jalan-jalan, jogging, malakin orang lewat, dll. Selain buat kita, taman-taman tersebut juga menguntungkan buat alam. Bayangin aja berapa banyak oksigen yang bakal diproduksi oleh rumput2 kerdil itu setiap detiknya?

Oya pejabat-pejabat tua yang sekarang sedang menjabat itu katanya bakal berusaha ngebikin inovasi dengan PLTSA (Pembangkit Listrik Tenaga Sampah, gw ga tau A yang terakhir buat apa), kalo proyek ini terlaksana, bagus banget. Selain ngebersihin kota Bandung, memanfaatkan sampah yang dibuang-buang mubadzir, proyek ini juga bisa nyediain lahan yang tadinya (sekarang) numpuk dengan sampah untuk dibuat taman rumput nantinya. Pokonya ngebuat taman ini tunggu sampe mereka mati dulu deh, dan berdoa supaya budaya korupsi ikut mati bersama mereka, jadi nanti pas pembangunan taman-taman di kota bandung ga perlu khawatir uang proyeknya bakal dikorupsi orang atau bahkan ga perlu khawatir bakalan di korupsi diri sendiri. Untuk saat ini, sambil menunggu mereka mati, kerjain aja yang lain. Seperti kata seorang kyai kondang yang namanya ga mau gw sebutin di sini (gw yang ga mau nyebutin nama dia, bukan AaGym yang ngga mau namanya disebutin):

3M : Mulai dari hal kecil, Mulai dari diri sendiri, Mulai dari sekarang.

Jadi, mulai sekarang, kerjain aja yang gampang dulu, seperti ngerapihin icon-icon yang ada di desktop komputer di rumah, nge-defrag hardisk, nge-close halaman2 website lain selain blog gw ini, ngehapusin program-program yang ga penting, ngerapihin kamar, ngebuang barang-barang yang ga penting, dan mulai mentata ulang kamar supaya jadi lebih bagus (mentang2 baru ngerapihin kamar sendiri jadi gw berani ngomong gini). Setelah itu, khusus buat anak sipil dan lingkungan ITB, BENERIN TUH JALAN MOBIL DI DEPAN FAKULTAS TEKNIK SIPIL DAN LINGKUNGAN. SARAP. Mau jadi walikota tapi jalan di depan rumah sendiri ancur lebur. Madesu;p

Sisi Negatif Dibangunnya Taman-Taman Rumput di Bandung

Daritadi gw ngomongin yang positif-positifnya aja. Gw sadar kalo pembangunan taman-taman rumput di Bandung tuh ada negatifnya juga. Taman-taman ini juga bisa dipake buat melakukan kegiatan-kegiatan berikut:

1. Kumpul kebo (kebo asli ini mah karna ngumpulnya di rumput)

2. Tempat Malakin orang lewat

3. Tempat ngumpulnya orang-orang stress

4. Tempat mabok

5. Tempat beribadah (nantinya ngeganggu kelancaran orang lain yang sedang bermain)

6. Tempat pembunuhan terencana (apalagi yang tamannya punya tempat mainan anak-anak seperti selorokan/perosotan, ayunan, cungkelik-cungkedang, tempat mainan pasir, dan lain-lain; yang apabila digunakan oleh tangan yang benar dapat menjadi alat pembunuh yang penuh seni)

7. Tempat pipis sembarangan

8. ‘ee sembarangan

9. Motong rumput sembarangan yang kemudian akan dijual (ini Indonesia bung, ingat!)

10.Ngebuat rumah-rumah gubuk (“gubuk liar”) di atas taman-taman tersebut yang kemudian dijadikan tempat tinggal permanen.

Hal-hal negatif di atas dapat diminimalisir asal pemerintah dan masyarakan sekitar mau berusaha. Contohnya, buat masalah yang nomer 1, gampang aja nyelesainnya. Asalkan pemerintah bisa membubarkan grup2 ga penting seperti FPI yang suka ngancur2in tempat2 yang sering dipakai maksiat, dan juga dapat menghilangkan budaya seret, gebukin, bakar yang biasa dilakukan masyarakat2 Indonesia apabila menemukan pasangan2 yang sedang ML di kamar kost, tentu para pelaku maksiat itu ga perlu maksain diri buat kumpul kebo di taman beralaskan rumput.

Note: Bukan berarti gw pendukung maksiat yah. Gw anti maksiat, kecuali maksiat mata. Gw kan cuma sedang nyari upaya biar taman2 rumput nanti ga dipake buat kumpul kebo. Lagipula, DEMI ALLAH, menurut gw orang2 tukang ML diluar nikah itu masih sedikit lebih cool daripada orang yang bawa2 agama untuk alasan poligami.

Untuk masalah nomer 2, 3, dan 4, sebenernya sama-sama aja. Asal pemerintah bisa meningkatkan kesejahteraan penduduk Bandung, hal tersebut ga perlu dikhawatirkan. Orang mabok kan cuma sekedar orang stress + minuman beralkohol di tangannya. Yang ngebuat mabok kan bukan birnya (emangnya klo orang minum bir di tempat umum paling banyak abis berapa botol bir sih? 1? 2?) Dengan konsentrasi rata-rata 4,8% alcohol v/v, dan botol seukuran 600mL (CMIIW), cuma aktor2 film yang sedang akting mabok dan terlalu menghayati perannya yang bisa mabok. Manusia normal mah minum alkohol cuma sebanyak gitu masih bisa nyelesain soal UTS kalkulus kaliii.. (asal udah belajar + pinter). Gw inget waktu gw masih di TKA, ketika kita sedang belajar ngaji, ada orang yang sedang minum dari sebotol Bir Bintang di bawah pohon sebelah TKA gw. Guru gw langsung lari ke ruang guru dan nyuruh kita ngunci pintu dari dalem. Dia nelpon polisi. Beberapa menit kemudian, polisi dateng nangkep orang itu. Semuanya cuma karena ada sebotol bir di tangan orang itu, yang sebenernya ngga akan punya kekuatan buat ngontrol pikiran dia. Dasar guru gw aja paranoid. It’s the stress, not a bottle of beer that makes somebody drunk. (note: Gw lagi ngomongin sebotol bir, bukan segalon atau seember bir yah, dan yang lagi gw omongin tuh bir, yang kandungan alkoholnya relatif rendah, bukan spirit kayak Gin atau Vodka murni yang klo diminum dalam jumlah yang sama emang bisa ngebikin seseorang gagal dalam mengerjakan soal SPMB).

Untuk masalah nomer 5, 7, dan 9 mah gampang banget. Buat aja mushola dan WC di setiap taman. As simple as that. Jangan lupa pemerintah kota Bandung harus memperkerjakan pembersih wc tiap harinya supaya ga jadi kayak wc-wc yang biasa ada di sekolahan.

Untuk nomer 6, itu mah gw aja yang keseringan nonton film horror.

Nomer 9 dan 10, lagi-lagi kesejahteraan rakyat yang perlu diperhatikan. Untuk detailnya gw belum bisa mikirin. Mungkin bisa ditanyakan pada mahasiswa-mahasiswa yang kuliah di bidang Pemajuan Kesejahteraan Rakyat Miskin di Indonesia (kalau ada jurusan kayak gitu itu juga).

“Gw ga tau ntar perang dunia ke-3 bakalan kayak apa, tapi yang gw yakin, perang dunia ke-4 senjatanya bakalan cuma pake ranting pohon dan batu” – Ilmuwan gondrong pencetus bom nuklir yang ga pernah keramas.

Hwalah… panjang. Cape de. Semoga tulisan gw ini dibaca salah satu mahasiswa teknik sipil atau lingkungan yang bener-bener Maha Siswa (bukan mahasiswa yang kuliah cuma buat nyari gelar dan tiket buat nyari pekerjaan doang). Kalo emang mimpi buat taman ini susah terlaksana mah, yaaaa udah lah ga usah dibuat. Biar aja Bandung dibiarin kayak gini, sampai nanti kalau meletus perang dunia ketiga, kan insya Allah dunia bakalan ancur-ancuran tuh, ntar kalau kondisi bumi pada umumnya dan kota Bandung pada khususnya kembali menjadi seperti zaman prehistorik, kita bisa nyusun kota Bandung dari awal lagi, betul?

An Appeal To You

You want me to submit,
I give You my spirit.
You ask me to bow,
I put down my brow.
You tell me to read,
I read loud and clear.
Of hundreds faiths on earth,
I stick on Your path.

Until yesterday.

I heard them chanting Your name,
(psst.. they are killing people).

I heard them preaching peace,
hold on, I SEE them spreading hate!

They taught me to love people,
Um.. okay.. but what's that detonator on your hand?

They told me not to be greedy
Oh what about your four wives, mister?

I just need some time to think so that I can debunk all my doubt
BUT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND!!!

Now, after I've seen all of those mess,
You told me to keep praying?
Luring me with Your Great Paradise,
What do You expect?

Hey, can I ask for a discount?
I have a proposition for You,
Here's the deal:

I will stop praying, I will stop reading The Holy Book, I will stop fasting, I will stop all of these literal worships. But I promise to do good things to people while still remembering Your name.
How's that? If I do that would You let me in when I knock on the heaven's door?

I mean, other people pray, read the Holy Book, fasting, crying in the middle of the night, going to Mecca while paying a huge amount of money to the oil kings, etc. BUT they kill people, they do very-very bad things, they even have multiple wives! And You said You gonna LET them in? Oh My God, where is Your sense of Judgement?

It's not fair! I thought You are The Most Generous. Then why did You ask us to pray to You five times a day? Ok, ok, so we can remember You all the time, is that Your reason? fine. But if people start to focusing on THIS kind of worshipping and start forgetting to do other more important good things, what would You say? And more importantly, what would You want me to do!?

Nevermind, Lord. Im just dead tired from not having a sleep at all yesterday. I apologize for my unashamed rant. I just want You to understand, I still want You. I still need to believe You. But the WORLD just won't let me. Don't worry, I will keep trying. Back me up Okay?

I just want to ask You one thing,
Please don't take my life before we settle this thing, alright?
But if You have to do it, then it's okay (Im just Your slave who can't deny Your fate, innit?)
But then I want to ask You one other thing: on the day of judgement, please do remember that I was a believer.

Thank You God.

Pendek dan Fokus

Bisakah saya menulis postingan yang pendek?

Jawabannya: (sebenarnya) Bisa.

Dulu saya punya blog yang beralamat http://blog.boleh.com/coldFIRE (jangan di klik, blog itu sudah wafat). Dari seratus-sekian postingan yang saya tulis sejak 5 Desember 2004 sampai tidak-tau-tanggal-berapa Agustus 2006 (ya, blog saya itu memang jarang di update, apalagi ketika menjelang kematiannya), hampir setengahnya adalah postingan yang pendek, terutama yang ditulis pada akhir tahun 2004 sampai awal tahun 2005. Bahkan ada beberapa postingan yang panjangnya tidak melebihi karangan bebas saat ulangan umum bahasa Indonesia ketika saya masih duduk di kelas 5 SD (dulu saya memang benci mengarang. Biasanya isi karangan saya cuma:

Pada suatu hari, saya pergi ke desa untuk menengok nenek saya yang sedang sakit. Di sana saya bertemu saudara-saudara saya. Saya bermain sepak bola dengan saudara-saudara saya. Kami semua bermain sambil tertawa dan bahagia selamanya.

A simple, solid, perfect story, yang berawal dari adanya suatu problem, dan berakhir dengan happy ever after. Namun sayang guru saya tidak pernah bisa melihat keindahan cerita tersebut, dan beliau selalu memberi saya nilai yang tidak jauh berbeda dengan gambar kursi yang terbalik. Dan FYI, dari situlah awal kebencian saya terhadap makhluk bernama Guru Bahasa Indonesia)

People change.

Sekarang saya justru merasa sulit untuk mengekspresikan isi pikiran saya dalam suatu kalimat yang singkat, padat, dan jelas. Mirip dengan band Dream Theater yang mengaku tidak mampu membuat lagu yang durasinya kurang dari 3 jam.

Apakah hal ini terjadi karena alam bawah sadar saya yang ingin membuktikan pada guru bahasa Indonesia tersebut bahwa saya BISA menulis cerita yang panjang dan mendapat nilai lebih dari 4? Bukan. Sebenarnya penyebab semua ini tidak ada hubungannya dengan alam bawah sadar dan guru bahasa Indonesia.

Ini semua terjadi karena kebiasaan. Sebuah kebiasaan yang tercipta ketika saya masih SMP kelas 2.

Ceritanya, pada saat saya duduk di bangku kelas 2 SMP saya diberi komputer pentium 4 untuk yang pertama kalinya. Sebagai murid SMP, sudah sewajarnya komputer itu 90% saya gunakan untuk main game, ya kan? Tapi sialnya, bersamaan dengan hal ini nilai saya di kelas merosot tajam. Alhasil, bapak saya menimpakan kesalahan kemerosotan nilai saya ini pada game-game komputer. Padahal nilai saya merosot karena kebencian saya terhadap guru sedang memuncak. Namanya juga ABG, dulu saya merasa sekolah adalah hal yang tidak berguna dan guru adalah makhluk paling menjijikkan sedunia (dulu!).

Sejak saat itu, bapak saya memberikan sebuah challenge. Saya di suruh menulis sebuah "diary" yang berisi kegiatan sehari-hari saya di microsoft word. Supaya menarik, beliau berjanji akan menghadiahkan uang pada saya setiap hari, yang besarnya tergantung pada jumlah karakter yang saya tulis (spasi tidak termasuk). Akhirnya saya pun mengurangi kegiatan main game, dan menggunakan waktu hampir dua jam sehari untuk menulis "diary" tersebut.

Karena ingin menulis sebanyak-banyaknya, saya suka sekali menulis hal-hal yang sebenarnya tidak penting. Berikut adalah contoh cerita yang saya tulis di "diary" itu:

"Hari ini, hari Kamis tanggal 25 Oktober 2001 abad ke-21 milenium ke-3, saya bangun tidur di kasur saya yang terletak di sebuah kamar di rumah yang terletak di jalan Gegerkalong Girang nomor [censored] RT03 RW06 Bandung 40154, Jawa Barat, Indonesia, Asia Tenggara, Bumi, Tata Surya, Bima Sakti. Pada saat itu jam dinding saya yang terletak di sebelah barat kasur tempat saya tidur tersebut menunjukan pukul enam lewat tiga menit dua puluh sembilan detik. Lalu saya duduk sambil mengantuk, dan menguap selama kira-kira empat detik. Setelah itu saya pergi ke WC berdinding merah jambu yang terletak di bagian belakang rumah saya yang terletak di jalan Gegerkalong Girang nomor [censored] RT03 RW06 Bandung 40154, Jawa Barat, Indonesia, Asia Tenggara, Bumi, Tata Surya, Bima Sakti, dan mulai melepaskan baju saya satu per satu. Lalu saya mengambil sikat gigi bermerek Oral-B yang bulunya berbentuk zigzag, dan mengambil odol Close-Up berwarna hijau yang di kemasannya terdapat gambar sepasang cowo dan cewe yang sedang menyeringai. Saya menempatkan isi dari odol itu di atas bulu sikat gigi saya sepanjang kira-kira 2 centimeter. Lalu saya mulai menggosokannya dari mulai gigi bagian geraham belakang atas, sampai...

Wah pokoknya dulu saya mendapat uang banyak dari menulis hal tidak jelas seperti itu.

Sejak saat itu, sampai kira-kira tiga bulan kemudian, saya menuliskan hal-hal tidak penting setiap harinya. Rutinitas itu memang cuma terjadi selama tiga bulan, namun ternyata efeknya masih belum hilang dari otak saya. Jadi mohon maaf kalau postingan saya hampir selalu tidak pernah pendek, karena yaaaaa itu tadi.. kebiasaan.

Blame it to my dad.

Solilokui

"Bagai sehelai bulu di tengah badai topan"

Ngga ada yang bisa menggambarkan pikiranku seakurat peribahasa di atas.

Loncat sana lah. Nyemplung sini lah. Terbang ke awan lah. Nyungsep ke selokan lah. Lari ke depan. Loncat ke samping. Nggelundung ke belakang. Di giring memasuki pertahanan lawan.. terus mendekat... ditendang sajaaaaa dannnn GOOOOOOOOLLL!!!


TERNYATA ITU HANYA ILUSI SAUDARA-SAUDARA!

BOLANYA KELUAR LAPANGAN! MENUJU KE ARAH PENONTON DI BELAKANG GAWANG!

TIDAK DISANGKA BOLANYA BERUBAH JADI GRANAT SAUDARA-SAUDARA! PENONTON PUN BERLARI KETAKUTAN!!!!

TERNYATA GRANAT ITU TELAH MELAHIRKAN DUA BUAH BOM YANG UKURANNYA SEBESAR LITTLE BOY DAN FAT MAN SAUDARA-SAUDARA!!

DITEROBOSNYA PERTAHANAN PENONTON!!! TERNYATA BOM ITU MAU MELEDAK SAUDARA-SAUDARA!!!

DAN LANGSUNG SAJA!!!! DUAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

AKHIRNYA GOL NAAS ITU MENJADI PERISTIWA HIROSHIMA DAN NAGASAKI SAUDARA-SAUDARA!


ngerti? jangan sampai deh.

Otakku memang belum pernah keluar dari tempurung kepalaku, dan tempurung kepalaku belum pernah lepas dari badanku, DAN badanku ini masih terus terkurung dalam garingnya kehidupan ini.

Tapi pikiranku udah menjelajah ke setiap sudut ruangan yang ada di atas muka bumi ini, bukan oleh kemauannya sendiri, melainkan dihempaskan ke sana dan ke sini oleh badai besar yang diciptakan oleh pikiranku sendiri.

Heuuuh jadi bingung.

Aku merasa seperti harus menjalani hukuman kurungan dalam bioskop sambil menonton sinetron Indonesia, tangan diikat, leher digantung, tapi dibagian bawah kakiku diberi pijakan kaki yang sedikit lebih rendah dari kakiku sehingga kakiku jinjit.

Seumur hidup.

Psychological Torture.

Pengen hidup, tapi ngga tau apa yang mesti dihidupin.

(baca: hidup teu eucreug, tapi mati embung teuing ah)
(alternatif lain: hidup ngga becus, tapi mati ogah)

Cuma gw, Tuhan, malaikat, dan Albert Einstein yang ngerti postingan ini.

The Flow.

I'm flowing.

I'm flowing.

A river.

The current.

Stones.

A kiss.

The blows.

I'm still flowing.

Streaming.

Here I come.

Waterfall.

The panic.

Fear.

I'm falling.

Scream.

The gravity.

Scream.

The splash.

My bones.

Break.

A river.

I am flowing.

The logs.

I slink.

Stones.

No kiss.

I'm flowing.

The dam.

No fear.

The energy.

Punch.

A hole.

Crack.

Shock.

The opening.

I'm in.

and I fall.

No fear.

Alive.

Living.

and I'm still flowing.