No More Sorrow

This post contains some insignificant words written by some boy inside a box. They're so useless that under no circumstance should it be read by anyone, including you. However, should some stubborn homo sapiens insist to read the rants below, it's compulsory for him/her to whip his/her back 100 times with a USB cable, no lie please.

Alright, this is got to die. This is got to stop. I read my last posts and wtf? they're full of shits. Not just normal shits, they're like pieces of shit from a person who has just eaten a squid, a giant stinky blackish itchy bitchy squid. Yuck.

Anyway, SPMB is getting closer. There are 3 more try-outs in SSC. Stupid me by wasting more time writting this useless dump. Oh my god--that is, if god exists--I remember I wrote those posts, and I know I'll make more in the future, but I don't know why the fuck I wrote those stuffs.

god, I even found a strange txt file called sickman.txt in my desktop. I think I made it some days ago,, erm.. I don't know. I feel weird just by thinking that I made this. It looks like I know the original song, but I forget what it is (please tell me if you recognise it). The txt contains these text:

-----------------------------------------------
Fuck for Fauzi - Sickman (It's Not Easy)

I can't stand to cry
Im not that whiney
But I'm a sickman
Every part of me

Im more than a trash
Im more than a stone
Im more than some stupid face inside the room
It's not easy to be me

I wish that I could stand
Firmly on my feet
Find a way of life
A bright future i'll never get

it may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even a sick person has the right to wish
I may be disturbe, But I still have conscience
Even a sick person has the right to dream

It's not easy to be me.

Go, Go, and away.. away from me..
I hope it's alright, I hope Sorrow wont come tonight.

I'm not crazy.. No I am not..

I can't stand to cry
Im not that whiney
Boys weren't meant to have
Flows of tears between their face

I am only a boy in a silly singlet
Digging for messages from the heaven above
I am only a boy in a silly singlet
Finding for the truth about The Creator
Who created me
Who created me
Who created me
Who created me

Im only a boy in a funny singlet
Im only a boy looking for a dream
Im only a boy in a funny singlet
It's not easy...
It's not easy...
To be.. me.
-----------------------------------------------

Hahaha. That is ridiculous. But everything about this blog IS ridiculous. I remember when I decided to make this blog so that I could write some useful stuff for people, or, at least, for my writing practice. But pity me for being as unreliable as Leonardo Da Vinci but not being as creative as him. This blog is a scumbag now, literally, scum (sampah) bag (tempat)) :p It's because.... I don't know. My mood always migrate to the wrong pole when Im alone and wandering. And I hate it more than I despise R&B.

By the way, my friend's dad had just died yesterday. It was diabetes. Just like my grandma who died two months ago. LUCKY THEM for leaving this deceased world so soon, I hope they're happy on the other side. ("Have a positif thinking!", wasn't it what th always s?).

Morals of the post:

1. Life isn't naturaly easy. It's not easy to be who we are (is it?)
2. Being depressive sucks ass. (I know, i know, I'll try to be maniac instead! No? I'll try to be none of them then.)
3. Do NOT consume too much sugar; do NOT be fat; do NOT be depressive; and do NOT have a menopause (as if you have a choice), they all can cause diabetes.
4. Diabetes kills.
5. Are you reading this post? Goddamnit I wrote it clearly that you may not read this post, CAN'T YOU READ!? Now go take a USB cable..

Phew..

Phew.. at last... it's finished. Been online for the last few days. Got something to do that cannot be done without sending bits and bytes through the net. And it couldn't wait.

Phew... haven't been praying for the last few days.

Phew... Someone told me Im going to hell.

Phew... Im scared. The Merciful God is gonna burn me in eternity.

Phew... I just wanna live like I used to be.

Phew... I wanna be a little kid again.

Phew... Please, fuck the truth. Just let me pray again. Just let me cry again in front of you, whoever thou art. It felt great.

Phew.. Im screaming in vain. I guess there's no going back. You won't take back what You've thrown away, will You?

Phew... this is the hundredth time im holding my portable knife this way.

Phew... Someone please call the ambulance... there's gonna be an accident...

Phew... No.. never. You're not worth it. I don't need to do this, you fucking Great Ass.

Phew... Nevermind.

Phew... masuk SSC dulu ah..

ShoutPark!

"oH My god!! They kill Kenny!! YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Udah beberapa hari ini, tiap selesai belajar, sebelum tidur, yaitu kira2 jam 3 - 4 pagi, gw nonton kartun SouthPark minimal satu episode. Sayang, serial southpark di hardisk gw yang cuma ada sampai session 4 yang gw download beberapa bulan yang lalu waktu kamar gw masih beradab (masih ada internet) itu masih banyak yang belum gw tonton. Mungkin gw bakalan dianggap sebagai orang udik yang baru datang dari kampung kalau ngomong gini, tapi gw ga peduli, wong ini blog gw kok: Southpark Rulesss!

Serial kartun southpark (YA ALLAH KENAPA WARNET INI TOMBOL SHIFTNYA SERING GA RESPOND KALO DIPENCET) menceritakan tentang kehidupan sehari-hari di sebuah kampung yang bernama Southpark. Orang-orang yang tinggal di Southpark beraneka ragam, dari sopir bus sekolah yang sering marah-marah, sampai JESUS yang punya acara TV show sendiri. Namun sering waktu serial kartun ini memfokuskan kisahnya pada 4 orang karakter saja (yang semuanya masih anak-anak) :

Stan Marsh



Dia adalah anak paling normal di antara 4 karakter utama Southpark. Kalo ada masalah bersama temen2nya, biasanya dia yang paling "waras". Ga jarang dia yang ngasi ide buat memecahkan masalah2 tersebut. Pernah punya pacar cewe namanya ga tau siapa lupa lagi. Yang jelas tiap ngomong dengan cewe itu si Stan pasti muntah saking groginya. Inilah sebabnya dia ga pernah berhasil ciuman dengan cewe itu, karna tiap mau ciuman, yang terjadi malah si Stan muntah ke muka cewenya. Ngek. Punya paman seorang pemburu handal yang suka memburu hewan dengan niat baik:

"Those animals are growing in numbers, if there are too many of them then there wouldn't be enough food for them that they would be starving. So in order to save them WE HAVE TO KILL THEM OR ELSE THEY WILL DIE!" - Pamannya stan.

Kenny McCormick



Kenny adalah anak paling mengkhawatirkan di Southpark. Berasal dari keluarga miskin dan pemabuk, dia sudah sering merasakan kejamnnya dunia, literally. (Hampir) di semua episode Southpark, dia selalu mati. Dari sejumlah episode yang gw tonton, baru sekali dia selamat dari kematian, yaitu kalo ga salah waktu episode natal (mungkin pembuat kartunnya sengaja berbaik hati di hari yang kata orang kristen hari kasih sayang itu). Gw kesulitan ngedenger omongan dia karna setiap kali dia ngomong selalu ga jelas (mulutnya ketutupan sih). Peace be upon him.

Kyle Broflovski



Hmm.. enaknya ngomongin apa ya tentang dia.. hmm. Lahir sebagai keturunan Yahudi, dia terkadang merasa sendirian di lingkungan Southpark. Namun bukan berarti dia introverted (empat karakter utama southpark ga ada yang gitu). Dia punya adik yang sangat dia sayangi walau terkadang sering ditendang sampai terlempar beberapa puluh meter. Tentu saja ga asal tendang, ada doa yang slalu dia ucapkan sebelum menendang adiknya: "KICK THE BABY!". Pernah pernah stres karena melihat teman2nnya merayakan natal sedangkan dia ngga boleh, sampai2 waktu itu dia membuat teman imaginasi berbentuk tai yang pake topi santaclause (Mr.Hanky the Mister Poo).

Eric Cartman



Nah.. ini karakter paling fucked-up di Southpark. Karena perutnya yang ga jauh beda dengan buah dada berukuran 99E ini, dia sering di ejek temen2nya. Itulah sebabnya dia adalah karakter yang paling emosional di Southpark. Menurut data yang gw ketahui, dia lahir dari seorang ibu yang berumah satu / hemaphrodite / ...... (istilah kasarnya mah, maaf, maaf banget, punya titit DAN meqi). Sehingga orang yang disebut ibunya itu ya bapaknya juga. Dalam suatu episode diceritakan, dulu ibunya eric ini adalah seorang pelacur, dan dia udah melakukan hubungan intim dengan hampir semua karakter lelaki dewasa di Southpark (termasuk Jesus).

"Eric: Don't call me fat, you fucking jew!
Mr. Garrison (guru di sekolah): Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Eric: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat-ass!
Eric: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Eric: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school councilor!?
Eric: How would you like to suck my balls?

Mr. Garrison: WHAT DID YOU SAY !!?

*Si eric ngambil megafon*

Eric: How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?
Stan: Holy shit, dude."

Yang jualan DVD southpark sampai session terakhir, hubungi gw ya! I need to watch them!^^

Oh, iya, lupa... kembali ke spmb...


"I couldn't study in peace when I had an internet connection in my room" - me.

PS. makanya sampe sekarang kalo OL cuma di warnet T_T

Maniac...Depressive...

I'm so happy. Cause today I found my friends.
They're in my head. I'm so ugly. But that's ok.
'Cause so are you. We've broke our mirrors.
Sunday morning. Is everyday for all I care. And I'm not scared.
Light my candles. In a daze cause I've found god.

Yeyeyeayeaaah,,,

I'm so lonely. And that's ok.
I shaved my head. And I'm not sad. And just maybe.
I'm to blame for all I've heard. And I'm not sure.
I'm so excited. I can't wait to meet you there. And I don't care.
I'm so horny. But that's ok. My will is good.

Yeyeyeayeaah,,,

I like it. I'm not gonna crack.
I miss you. I'm not gonna crack.
I love you. I'm not gonna crack.
I kill you. I'm not gonna crack.

Nirvana - Lithium.

What the hell is this song all about?

Setelah lama ga denger lagu2 Nirvana, gw kembali ketagihan ama salah satu lagu mereka dari album NEVERMIND yang berjudul Lithium (ketagihan ama Smells Like Teen Spirit juga tentunya, tapi sekarang gw cuma mau ngebahas Lithium). Tertarik dengan liriknya, gw pun research di wikipedia. Setelah ngobrol2 dikit dengan pak Wiki, Pak Wiki pun akhirnya mau menceritakan arti dari lagu ini. Beliau bilang lagu ini bercerita tentang seseorang yang terkena penyakit Maniac Depression, atau mungkin lebih dikenal dengan sebutan Bipolar Disorder.

Makin tertarik, gw pun baca-baca artikel mengenai maniac depression atau bipolar disorder ini. Dari yang gw baca, orang yang menderita penyakit biologis PLUS psikologis ini punya ciri2 khusus yaitu seringnya terjadi perubahan mood pada si penderita. Seperti namanya, Bi(dua)-Polar(kutub) Disorder, orang yang punya penyakit ini memiliki rentang mood yang sangat luas, dan perubahan dari satu mood ke mood lain bisa terjadi dalam waktu yang sangat singkat. Di satu saat dia bisa jadi maniak (sangat senang, memiliki perasaan gembira yang meledak-ledak, sangat antusias pada sesuatu, seperti orang gila), namun beberapa hari kemudian, atau jam, atau menit, atau bahkan detik, dia bisa berubah mendadak menjadi orang yang sangat depressive (mengalami perasaan sedih yang amat sangat).

Kasian ya.. orang yang punya penyakit ini. Hidupnya ga jelas. Dan yang pasti, tuh orang pasti jadi weird banget di mata orang lain.

Kebayang... misal si F terkena Bipolar Disorder. Siang harinya dia seneng2 jalan ama temennya, gila-gilaan. Namun pada malam harinya, sebelum tidur, dia bisa nangis darah seakan-akan dia tuh sendirian di dunia ini.

Mungkin kita mikir, wajar aja kali namanya juga manusia kadang bisa senang kadang bisa sedih.

Kenyataannya ngga gitu. Kalo orang normal, senang dan sedih itu jelas batasnya. Orang normal punya alasan buat senang, begitu pula alasan buat sedih. Terlebih lagi, alasan2 itu memang asli, exist, bukan imajinasi atau buah pikiran belaka. Lagian perubahan mood orang normal ga akan terlalu drastis seperti yang terjadi pada penderita Bipolar Disorder (kecuali pada kondisi-kondisi tertentu, misal: si A orang normal, dia lagi seneng banget karena menangin lomba voli internasional. Piala kejuaran voli itu dijunjungnya tinggi-tinggi dengan penuh kebanggaan. Namun tiba-tiba dari pengeras suara ada pemberitahuan bahwa ibu, bapak, dan semua sanak saudara si A baru saja meninggal dunia semenit yang lalu karena rumah mereka kejatuhan pesawat terbang yang melakukan landing darurat. Si A pun mendadak jadi depresive. Ini mah wajar.)

Sedangkan orang yang maniac-depressive ga punya pembeda yang jelas antara senang dan sedih. Moodnya bisa berubah dari sangat senang menjadi sangat sedih ataupun sebaliknya tanpa perlu ada alasan yang logis.

Tingkat keparahan penyakit ini pun berbeda-beda. Yang paling parah yaaa bisa diliat di Rumah Sakit Jiwa di jalan Riau 11, dimana seseorang yang lagi ketawa bisa tiba-tiba menangis dalam hitungan milisecond. Sedangkan yang ngga parah-parah amat perubahan moodnya masih rada wajar lah (walaupun tetep aneh karena berubahnya sangat sering dan drastis)

Untungnya, penyakit ini sekarang sudah bisa diobati dengan obat (jadi bukan hanya secara psikologis). Biasanya obatnya disebut "mood stabilizer". Salah satu bahan utama dari mood stabilizer ya itu tadi, Lithium, makanya si Curt Cobain yang konon punya penyakit Bipolar Disorder ini bikin lagu dengan judul tersebut.

Ngomong-ngomong, gw kenal dengan seseorang yang punya penyakit ini. Seremnya, tiap malam dia tidur di kasur gw. Gila ngga sih.

Out of the Circle

I was sitting beside my bed last night, reading a book about Force, Electricity, Magnet, and some other shits (God knows it's a physics book). The computer in front of me was playing about 6000 songs randomly. Then all of the sudden I was like.. "am I gonna be always with the same 2 digits--0 and 1--until the rest of my life?" Can there be some other digits that can make this life at least less boring? My computer seemed to hear my question, then a song that i just got from an internet cafe earlier that day was played, chosen by the randomizer code embedded in my music player software. It was "Unpad" by "The Panas Dalam".

"Mahasiswa kedokteran... UNPAD!!!! UNPAD!!!! UNPAD!!!! UNPAD!!!",  The Panas Dalam - Unpad

Don't you think it will be so much more fun to take care of sick people than typing qwertyuiop on a blank screen again and again?

Again, my mind stance's shaken up so easily.

But then it's my future, not anyone else's. I decide, not anyone else.

Maybe i must do an Istikhoroh Prayer. But to whom should I pray if I haven't got anyOne to be prayed to? ahh... it seems that i have to decide this by myself, and a bit help from my family of course, they're much better than The Unseen, i think.

If I got this, it means I have to move to East Bandung, separated from my family, which I have always wanted for long. Not that I hate them, I am just bored of being part of the circle. I want to move out.

---

Speaking of circle, once again Im trapped in some kind of circle. A circle that's been beaten by me once, but comes back with its new strength. I like running inside this circle as much as I hate it. It's like watching a beautiful multicolored fire while holding it with both hands. I don't wanna run out of this circle self handedly like i did last year coz I now realize it was so stupid and selfish. But then this circle always makes me stupid and out of control.

"This firrreeee is out of control, Im gonna burn this city... burn this city...", Franz Ferdinand - This Fire

Man.. this sucks-_- The last time I was being so logical, I became an arrogant bastard. But when I cease my logic, I can't help but started to cry for some obscure reason. And by god, I felt like a perfect pussy. Can somebody tell me how to be JUST right?

Meooowwww,,,,,,,,,,, i feel like having a miniature of bipolar disorder....

NEVERMIND...

"i like you im not gonna crack. i miss you im not gonna crack. i love you im not gonna crack. i kill you im not gonna crack.", Nirvana - Lithium

Kembali ke SPMB.